Denial.. Not just a river in Egypt.

I have found myself wondering over the past few days if I am truley okay with the turn of events in my life or if I in fact live in a constant state of denial.I think that sometimes I put on a good show. Somedays I keep it together pretty good. But the truth is I still feel heartache, I still feel fear, I still have doubts about the future. I find that as I go about my daily activities at home with just my two kids that I can completely ignore the fact the Brunton has DS. He acts like any other newborn. He sleeps, he eats, he poops, and then he repeats it! Occasionally he will coo and stare at us with his beautiful piercing eyes and I even think we get a smile now and then. He can move his head, he holds our fingers, he cries if your not paying attention to him, and comforts the second he is held.( Yes we are already wrapped around his finger). Some days I even catch myself thinking that the genetic's test must be wrong he is doing just fine. I still dream of him doing all the "normal" things in life. I know that chances are he won't do everything that a "normal" kid will do, but I think that it gives me comfort to think that he can be whatever he wants to be. I don't think that I am quite ready to give that dream up yet. I hate to think that the doctor was right and my child will never amount to anything. So here is the honest truth, I am not 100 percent okay yet. Somedays I still cry myself to sleep, somedays I will see another baby that is "normal" and I feel the jealousy raging inside me. Someday's I want to punch the people who think that their comments are helpful, when really they just hurt. I know that I do not have it that bad, and I know that I am lucky to have such a healthy baby, but some days I feel sorry for myself, okay. Believe me I don't need to be told other people have it worse, I see it everytime I go to work.I feel like I need to be completely honest on this blog so that other people know that these feelings are normal. Someday's I feel sorry for Brunton and the struggles that he has, someday's I cry for Coleman and the fact that he will have to help care for Brunton and may be embarrassed by him at times. I worry that as he gets older he will hate me for this. Someday's I worry that I will die and there will not be enough money to support Brunton. I worry about who will help care for him, who will make sure that he is safe and protected, who will ensure that he has a roof over his head and food to eat? I feel guilty because maybe people don't think that I love him enough, or that I am a good enough mom because I do have all these feelings. I feel so guilty most of the time for being jealous of the "normal" baby, or for feeling sorry for myself. So please don't judge me, trust me I do it enough for the both of us. Understand that I will have bad days, but that I would not trade this little boy for any other baby in the world. I remember the day that I found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited, I had been having a crappy year and I didn't think that I would get pregnant so fast. I decided to test before I started a new diet just in case. It's a good thing I did. I remember how excited I was. I have always wanted to be a mom, and I knew that I wanted Coleman to have a sibling. I loved that baby from the second I found out. And I fell even more in love with him the first time I saw him. From the time when the nurse handed him to me in the delivery room until they took him to the NICU I did not let go of that little boy. So please don't ever doubt my love for him. I will do whatever it takes to give this little guy every option out there so that he can grow up and be the best at whatever it is he wants to be!!!

Brunton was blessed on 10-10-10. Pretty cool. Not only was it a cool date, it was also my moms birthday! He looked absolutely stunning in his blessing outfit, and was a really good baby all day. He was awake for the whole day, which was great, except I had a hard time waking him to feed him the next day! I think it was a little to much excitement for him. All in all it was a wonderful day!

Everyday I see more and more that these two really are going to be best friends!

I was trying to put Coleman down for a nap, and he just kept insisting that he wanted to "snuggie" Brunton. Finally I gave in and laid the two of them down in my bed next to each other and Coleman wrapped both of his arms around his brother and soon they were fast asleep! I can not think of any other moment in my life that was better than this. It was so sweet how they were both cuddled in. (Don't worry after I took the picture I moved Brunton to a safer place to sleep! I didn't want him to get smashed.)